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Sink or Swim

I'm watching bugs, insanity times two
locked in a hotel room
scratching inside their skin
and I'm watching him; sleeping beside me
that beautiful, brown back adorned
with that warrior tat.

I'm seeing people drop and move
not enough attention to keep them
interested
broken connections because it's
so incredibly busy
riding this slow wave.

I want to hurry up and wait.

I saw the sun, dancing orb, its light embracing my skin
disappear behind the shadow of the moon;
the most beautiful site an eye could behold;
the cold harsh darkness of the moon, illuminated
all around by powerful light
and in that moment
so long ago
I learned for the first time that never can darkness
overtake light unless light is extinguished.

I want to be silent inside the quiet
listening to the scent of the unspoken
smiling to myself how inconvenient it would
be to have to tell them
that I know
and so I go into the unknown chasms

sink or swim
sink or swim

It's nice to have them, tendrils of love
moments of passion, days of consistency;
they bring out the comfortable in me
the sanity inside my softened crazy,
and oh how it terrifies me,
appeals to the half moon rising into
my hair.

copyright @ vennie 2007 


Catching up

These last few months have tried my patience, my joy, my emotional well being and everything that I fight to keep intact. I lost my mother on April 27th.   It was a dark day for me, and even darker for me to see her lying in her coffin.   These things are so surreal, as if I was touching a replica of her in a wax museum. I found myself the whole month of May in one of those depressions that wears a smile to the world, but inside, and in the shower, and at night when your face is buried in the pillow, you just cry.   I kept thinking of all of the things she missed and would miss, like getting to hold her first great grand child, my wedding, seeing her grandchildren grow up and go off into the world.

So many things have crowded around me, and I’ve fought demons in my sleep, fought to stay alert and keep my tempo up.   I’ve succeeded, and my spirits are lifted.   I had fallen into a state of not wanting much of anything but just to sleep and be held and fuck the pain away if I could, but this, of course is only a temporary fix.

I miss her. I find myself talking to her, asking her to run interference between me and God, and I know she smiles and shakes her head at me.   My son came back home.   I knew he couldn’t stay away for long.   Although he loves his father, his heart is his mommy’s, and we have so much alike, in common, and it’s like sunshine having his smile back every day.  

I’ve lost touch with so much; those that I love to read, whose lives interest me, my poets, my writers, my friends, and I feel selfish that I have shut the world out; I just needed to grieve and let my soul refresh itself. I’m here, and I miss you all greatly.   I have so much catching up to do.

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